Monday, May 08, 2006

1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS?
It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We're just misunderstood.

2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN?
Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.

3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC?
We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.

4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS?
We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well-chosen) words.

5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE?
You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.

6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS?
Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays.

7. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS?
Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.

8. WHY CAN'T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E. LIE DOWN AND HUG)?
Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end?
We men... Men hunters... Need go roam... Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest... Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.

9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ASSES ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING?
Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.

10. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SAY, "I LOVE YOU?"
Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.

11. WHY DO MEN SAY "I LOVE YOU" WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME?
Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure-fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.

12. WHY DOESN'T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME?
We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.

13. WHY WON'T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES?
Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know damn well you'll pick it up.

14. WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING?
This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.

15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING?
It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err... buying?

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Tags:men Published by Shahrazad: 2:09 PM Updated On: 5/17/2007 at 8:33 AM

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Friday, February 10, 2006

Ah, the dreaded day is almost upon you men. The day when you have to impress that special someone in your life. VALENTINES DAY! Ok, that's all the pink you guys get. The day that will either make you or break you. While you may be considering your wooing options, here are some suggestions on some of them:

1. Sing or play a song.   Do this ONLY if you are in a band and are sure that it is something she may listen to. And if you can get your buddies to go along with it, hell she should love it. Otherwise put the trumpet down and go ponder some more. Singing ONLY, ONLY, ONLY if you are good. Your friends lie. Watch American Idol and listen to them idiots say their friends say they are good…LOL, and I mean LOL. Anything too lovie dowvie and she might throw up. Actually just don’t sing, too creepy.

2. Write a poem.   Make it about a restraining order while you are at it. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES DO THIS!!!! IT IS CREAPY. You might end up being a single creep shortly after. No matter how romantic you think you are being, you are not. You might even end up being a conversation starter when she wants to laugh a little with her friends. Love poems make for a good punch line. I would probably laugh right there in your face. You are not in 5^th grade so cut it out!

3. Make or go out for dinner.   Cook ONLY if you know how. You’ll get no play if she vomits. Can’t cook, pull this stunt: When she comes in pretend to be cooking something (have actual food to show) and burn it. Cook and burn as she is coming in or just before she comes. She will think it is adorable that you tried for HER even though you have no idea how to cook; makes for a cute story for the girlfriends. Can't believe I wrote this. The thought of so much romance makes me wanna heeve. You get major points and then take her out. Or just take her out without the scene.

4. Create your own gift.  Do I even need to address this? 5th grade. CHEAP. You do that for your mother. Oh which brings me to #5.

5. Introduce him/her to your parents.   Yeah, there is nothing like saying "I love you" by spending this day with your folks. Yep hurray! IDIOT. I hope no one ever did this. If you have and she said it was fun, SHE LIED! If you are coming out to your parent, can I come? You’ll need all the witnesses you can get.

6. Romantic/not movie in/out. Out is cool, in is better ;-)

Good LUCK ! 

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Tags:valentines day Published by Shahrazad: 6:21 PM Updated On: 2/10/2006 at 6:38 PM